Another year is gone. I can’t actually believe it. The last time I wrote here was about a year ago. I know every year I think I’ve grown up so much, but I think this one has been of special significance. It’s been quite a ride, a bittersweet ride. Now I’m starting to fully grasp what it means to live in the adult world. The beginning of the year started in a not-so-good note, but then it got so much better. I said after what happened to me with a girl that this year would be to get to know me better. I couldn’t be happier with what I’ve learned in the past 12 months.
After reading The Power of Now, I feel that I’ve become so much more conscious of the world and the forces that drive us all. We are part of such powerful and intricate source of energy. I’ve learned to understand myself better and thus, the others. What you don’t give to yourself, you can’t give to the others. I’ve become more understanding, more open and more forgiving. I’ve always been so hard on myself for everything: for not looking a certain way, for not being first in everything, for not fitting completely in a group, for not being perfect. It’s something that it’s specially difficult for me and I know that it is something that I need to continue working on and that will probably never completely disappear. It is now part of who I am.
I am satisfied with the progress I’ve made as a human being, as a young man, as a brother, as a friend, as a son and as well in my other roles. I can now hear someone without judging. I am more tolerant (believe it or not) and patient. I take more care of my body and my mind. I began to work out and eat healthy and I feel more motivated to continue with this lifestyle next year. I live more in the present, although I still need to focus. I have a wonderful relationship with my sister and brother; I have a bunch of friends that many people would kill for; and I’m happy with everything in my life. Everywhere I go, I give and receive love from others. I feel completely contempt with being single because I’ve realized that I am still not willing to sacrifice some things in my relationship with myself. I drive my car for large periods of time with the music out loud singing at the top of my lungs and sometimes, I can really feel like the time stops. I allow everything just be the way it is and it’s the best feeling in the world. I wish everyone could have an experience like mine. It gives so much perspective and insight on yourself and your surroundings. Nothing seems so complicated after something like that.
One thing that currently bothers me and never seems to leave my mind is the unconsciousness in which most of the people lives. It sometimes frustrates me that so many persons around me act without thinking a second about the implications and consequences of their actions. They live their lives without discerning what actions really embody themselves and not the others. They judge others without a second of hesitation; they take decisions just because it’s the easiest way out of the problem; they have kids or get married without thinking the serious responsibility that these actions convey. From all of this, I can only gather one simple lesson: “Above all, stay true to yourself.”
The bittersweet part of this growth is that now I can easily detect other people’s motives and I feel like that is something for what I’m still not prepared. Some friendships may start to look superficial and frankly, stupid. What previously looked as something amazing, suddenly looses some of its wow factor. Everything has suddenly changed in my eyes. Nobody is as good or as bad as I thought. I started to see mistakes and accomplishments in even the smallest action. I noticed that this is not a world of black and white, but instead of a million of shades of grey (no pun intended).
I am now more hard to satisfy and I demand more from the others. I have developed a stronger sense of self and I have clear opinions for everything. I can now say that I have a clearly defined posture on every topic without fear of what others may think about me. I feel like I have my own voice and I will not be silenced under any circumstance. I’ve developed my own lifestyle and cannot be controlled by anyone but myself. This not necessarily means that I live in complete chaos; on the contrary, I feel like I have everything more in control and it is settled down in my favor. This is not always convenient with your parents and family. Now it takes me 2 seconds to create a fully supported argument on why they are wrong.
I usually set my own ridiculously high standards on others and I feel deceived when they do not meet them. I ask of the others what I ask for myself. I know I have to change that, but why shouldn’t others give what I am willingly giving for them?
I feel like more than anything, this year has been a year of perspective. A year where I’ve learned to be myself as weird as that may sound; a year where everything seems much more clear, where I can see more of the bigger picture. This year has been mainly of reflection, introspective and realization. I have to admit that I’m scared of everything that the future is holding for me, but I know that is completely normal. I feel like I am ready to fulfill my dreams no matter what others say or think about me. I feel like the present and the future are bright for me. I know perfectly who I am and what I am capable of and I know that as long as I remind myself of this, everything will always be as good or even better as it has been until now.
The next two years will be years of important decisions in every single aspect of my life and will forever shape who I am deemed to be. But then again, I’ve never been a passenger, so why should that change now?
Jun 16th 2013
Jun 6th 2013